The Problem With Range Rovers

The problem with Range Rovers is that all the people who drive them are assholes. I haven’t

done a scientific study, but it has been my observation and I’ve questioned several friends on the

subject and the anecdotal evidence is strong enough that I feel that I can make that statement

with a fair degree of confidence. If you happen to drive a Range Rover and claim not to be an

asshole, I might A, question your choice of vehicle or B, question whether you’ve truly taken

stock of your assholishness. Other than the drivers they appear to be perfectly nice vehicles

although I imagine that they don’t get very good gas mileage due to their size and or weight and

level of luxury. One example of the assholishness of Range Rover drivers is that when they drive

in Hudson, where I happen to live and walk my dog frequently, they appear to steer toward

pedestrians and dogs rather than avoid them. This has caused my need to jump out of the way

while I pull my dog out of the path of the murderous asshole and certain death to safety.

Sometimes I do this quietly and at other times I do this while swearing loudly at the murderous

driver who often has a passenger seated beside him or herself that looks as expensive as the

vehicle and as high maintenance as the Range Rover itself. This afternoon I dodged a murderer

who had clearly intended to kill my dog and me with his sparklingly clean RR while his female

passenger glared at me for daring to walk down a narrow alley while the murderer attempted to

make a U-turn even if it meant flattening two living creatures, one human and one canine either

of which should have given them pause. The would-be murderer was a very handsome man and

it occurred to me as I was walking home that it was a shame that my only thought about his face

involved my wanting to ram a railroad spike through it and straight through the back of his skull.

Normally I would have had a passing thought about what an attractive couple the pair made

instead of a brief and gory fantasy about a revenge murder. This is the kind of emotional distress

that Range Rover drivers cause in pedestrians and dog walkers. I would feel perfectly justified if I

could somehow cause Range Rovers that came within a certain distance from me to explode.

Obviously, it couldn’t be too close or my dog or I might be injured by shrapnel from the blast. It

would be difficult to determine a proper safety zone within which exploding the offending vehicle

would be acceptable. I like to think that I’m a reasonable person so I wouldn’t want the zone to

be too large, but I value the wellbeing of my dog far more than the lives of all the Range Rover

drivers on the planet combined so it’s a tough problem to solve. Until I devise a way to cause

Range Rovers to spontaneously combust, I don’t think I need to worry about it.